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Boris agrees to skip the next few corruption scandals and just declare the UK a Banana Republic now to save time

By Norman Smee

“I have heard the nation’s eyes rolling, and I have listened!” bellowed Boris Johnson on the steps of Number 10 last night. 

“And I know we have all been scandalised by all these recent scandals I have variously allowed, overlooked or otherwise just outright lied about, and I promise AN END TO HEARING ABOUT SCANDALS!” 

After these words a confused round of applause began to take hold, before onlookers realised exactly what the Prime Minster had just said.

One confused reporter yelled back: “Hang on a minute – can’t we just end the scandals, full stop? As opposed to just end hearing about them?” But Mr Johnson appeared to miss this question, and continued with his planned announcement: 

“And that is why, as a Government, we have decided that we are just going to skip the next few scandals – everyone’s had enough of hearing about how corrupt we are, and how shit everything is, so I’m going to take the necessary steps to resolve it.

“And so, as of midnight Saturday, the UK will officially be known as a Banana Republic!”

To a backdrop of audible gasps from the crowd, Johnson continued: “But don’t  you see? No one will give a toss then. It’ll be expected. Daily scandals will be par for the course. So then when we have one of those rare days when the news isn’t about how my colleagues have been taking backhanders on behalf of lobbyists, illegitimately using parliamentary resources to service second jobs, or their having ‘forgotten’ to declare a blatant conflict of interest, we can all rejoice by saying, ‘Well, at least we’re not the worst Banana Republic in the world!’”