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Bewildered online porn lover keeps stumbling on farm equipment sites

By Leppy Pardalis

“You see!” inveterate pervert Mr Donald Tugg told a reporter earlier today. “You just watched me type in something blatantly filthy and all I got was the Winky Wanky Woo Tractor Company in Delaware. It’s been happening for days.

“I can’t think of anything more ridiculous than trying to look up porn and ending up looking at tractors. Can you?”

Mr Tugg, 48, from Tiverton in Devon, is bewildered and angry at suddenly being unable to access his pornographic websites of choice.

The compulsive self-polluter revealed his troubles as he picked obsessively at the coarse hair growing from his palms, and peered frustratedly at his computer screen through the half inch thick spectacles he has worn for the last 25 years.

The screen in question is fitted with a sort of windscreen wiper device fashioned and fitted by IT consultant Mr Tugg, and the keyboard has a splatter-proof clear plastic cover also devised by him.

Grubby little bastard Mr Tugg has been living in a state of what he describes as intolerable sexual frustration since last week. His internet browsing skills, which he can usually rely on to find the most squalid and degrading smut within seconds of firing up his computer or his phone, have apparently deserted him. 

Every time he tries to find something mucky, the devoted onanist ends up being confronted by images related to agricultural equipment and techniques.

He has been suspended from the Tiverton Toss-fodder Appreciation Society. During a meeting, a fellow member sitting next to him became highly offended after realising his mobile phone screen was showing an an hours-long video of a poultry show being judged.

“I’m completely innocent,” insisted Mr Tugg. “It just came up after I Googled, ‘Hold my cock.’ There is clearly something very wrong with my internet, but nobody wants to do anything about it.

“I even emailed my MP but his assistant said he was busy.”