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Audi unveils new model range including 'Twat', 'Wanker' and 'Arsehole'

By Leppy Pardalis

Car maker Audi has unveiled a new range of models designed especially for the British market.

A company spokesperson said: “We want to make sure there will always be at least one model to appeal to each of our typical British customers - and of course to tempt buyers away from other manufacturers and into the Audi fold.”

The new range includes the Audi Twat, a smaller vehicle aimed at insufferable little junior executive types who always seem to be called Gav or Jase or else fucking ought to be. The Twat features extra-bright full beam headlights to flash at anybody in front who has the temerity to obey the speed limit or take account of prevailing road conditions. The marketing slogan for the Audi Twat is: “When you Just Have to Touch Base in Fucking Kidderminster or Somewhere.”

The Audi Wanker, meanwhile, is equipped with a special steering system more responsive and stable than those found on most other vehicles. Its slogan is: “Why Merge in Good Time for a Lane Closure when you Can Wait Until the Last Second, You Wanker?”

The Audi Arsehole is a four-wheel drive vehicle about the size of a large cabin cruiser, and is aimed at people who want to bring a touch of class to the school run. Its slogan is: “Fuck the Environment and Fuck the Ambulance that Can’t Get By Because You’re Double Parked.”

In the coming months the Twat, Wanker and Arsehole will be joined by other new models including the Audi Tosser, the Audi Shitgibbon, the Audi Spunkbubble and the Audi Compensating for Being Unable to Get a Fucking Erection.