By Norman Smee
Tax-dodging, omni-blobbing online-box-shifter Amazon was forced to strenuously deny last night that it was planning to ‘Blitzkrieg’ its fleet of trucks with ironic smiles painted on the sides directly into the suburbs of Warsaw as part of its insatiable quest for ever more warehousing Lebensraum.
The accusations came in the wake of the online tat giant’s latest accidental public demonstration of its undeniable hard-on for fascist dictatorships - which has already manifested itself in the form of a slave labour workforce and an army of mechanised cattle prods that keep them from sleeping – when it quietly swapped its smartphone app logo from its previous ‘shopping trolley’ incarnation into a rather more sinister ‘smiley face with a bit of stylised tape above it’ design - in what experts confirm was an undeniable, clear-as-day tribute to Adolf Hitler.
However, following the public outcry by the half-dozen-or-so Twitter users who were not already too occupied abusing black football players, the world’s leading digital vendor of bankrupt values hastily changed the ‘tape’ part of its logo from what was unquestionably a eulogising tribute to the infamous toothbrush moustache worn by the Nazi leader, into a far less offensive ‘triangle with a sort of upturned corner on it’ which, if you squint a bit, could only be seen as a tribute to Stalin at best.
Speaking from its registered head European office in “Luxembourg” – where it pretends to be based for maximum tax lols- Amazon issued this statement about its ‘company values’: “Here at Amazon we pride ourselves on innovation. Whether that’s our highly novel idea to use a smiley face logo, our incredible vision that led to yet another supermarket opening in Ealing, or our brilliant plan to exploit expendable workers for maximum shareholder profit – we are constantly coming up with groundbreaking ideas.
“So the very suggestion that we would goose-step into Poland in such an obviously plagiaristic way, goes against every fibre of creative ethos and brand ethics our company pretends to have.
“Besides, Poland doesn’t need some far-right, wannabe tinpot-dictatorship storming in there and taking charge - it’s already got Jarosław Kaczyński.”