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Absolute last minute Brexit deal on table for fiftieth time

By Kit Chentable

The EU and the UK are in the midsts of their umpteenth round of last minute Brexit talks this weekend with both sides still not agreeing which side of the table to sit.

Both parties have now brought out the big guns in the latest round of absolute last minute, not one more second, honest guv, Brexit talks with UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson making the ultimate sacrifice of a weekend to hold direct negotiations with European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen.

In the meantime, the Guiness Book of World Records has been called in to take a record of how long the last minute is lasting as so far the final sixty seconds of the negotiations have lasted since March 2019.

This comes after David Frost, who we all thought had died in 2013, acting as the UK’s chief negotiator and his EU counterpart Michel Barnier could still not agree what side of the negotiating table to sit with the intense negotiations having to be halted after they both ended up sitting in each other’s laps.

In a joint statement the pair, who were still trying to disentangle themselves from each other, said: “After one week of intense last minute, not a second more, honest guv negotiations we both have finally come to an agreement that no agreement has been met, although that in itself is an agreement, so I guess that we did come to an agreement but that the agreement is that there is no agreement. Oh, and we’re also now lovers.”

It is understood Johnson and Von der Leyen will talk by phone this afternoon just as soon as they’ve both finished their afternoon nap.

Analyst Ewan Mee said: “There’s a small window in the afternoon where both parties will have finished their respective lunches, Johnson with his hearty British pie and Von der Leyen with her ‘whatever German people eat’ lunch, where they should be both at their most content and as long as they’ve both had their afternoon doze will be able to call each other in what we describe in the EU/UK Brexit Talks business as the golden last minute.

“It is hoped that anything contentious like fisheries policy, Irish borders and transition timings will be rushed through by both sides as neither of them will want to miss Saturday’s early evening edition of Pointless Celebrities as this week it features the cast of Eastenders versus Emmerdale.

“The only problem, and this will become the sticking point, is who will end the call first as if there’s no agreement on this we’ll be back to square one. Last time they spoke the call ended with both sides saying ‘you hang up’, ‘no, you hang up’ for two hours until French President Emmanuel Macron ran into the room and simply hung up the phone for Von der Leyen.

“If that happens again we’re in for at least a dozen more absolute last minute, not one more second, honest guv Brexit talks over the next few weeks which will be a disaster.”